Negotiation has taken the place of many of our rules and limits.  That way, everyone’s needs and interests are being met.  We have become more loving, open, honest, and happy. Negotiation is saying to your child, “Honey, I know you can usually eat your lunch in the playroom, but I’m feeling a little under the weather today and really don’t want to clean it up. Would you mind eating upstairs today?”  With an approach like that, I have not been refused yet. Negotiating to meet needs so everyone is happy is a lot easier than setting a rule, waiting until a child breaks it and enforcing a punishment.  As one child said, “We don’t have discipline problems in our house.  We have conflicts that need to be negotiated.”

Children don’t need limits to feel secure.  Children really want to feel accepted, and they frequently will go along with a limit or rule in order to gain parent’s acceptance.  This doesn’t mean children want limits or rules.  Actually, they would prefer complete freedom from them.  That’s why so many power struggles erupt over rules.   What is truly important and what children really need is to know what exactly their parent’s expectations and needs are.   And these change daily.  The problem with limits is that they so often do not take into account the child’s needs.  Negotiation and problem solving does.