I finally found a book that teaches that all my children’s behaviour falls into two basic categories:  acceptable to me and unacceptable to me.  Spaghetti on the rug is unacceptable.  Dried crackers on the rug were acceptable because they are easy to vacuum up.  In addition, the acceptance level we feel towards our children’s behaviour is dependent on three factors:  The parent, the environment, and the child.   First, let’s look at the parent.  How I feel about food on the rug is dependent on how tired I am that day, how stressed I am, how elated I am.  On a day that everything is wonderful and going well, I could probably even handle lasagna spills.  On a day that I am sick with the flu, a few cracker crumbs would send me to the madhouse.  Secondly, the environment is a factor:  Spaghetti spilled on the patio outside is less of a problem than spaghetti on the rug.  And lastly, the particular child is a factor:  I am much more forgiving of a two year old spilling food because they are learning eating skills, than I am of an eight year old that was carelessly watching Nintendo more than where his fork was going.

The division of acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour is altered every hour, every day and every minute just as circumstances, and moods, and priorities change.  So I’ve discovered that what is important is not setting rules or limits.  It’s important to judge each incident on it’s own merit.  My need was to keep my white Berber carpet clean and my children’s need was to avoid missing their favorite shows during meal time. That was what we had to work around.  Each day, we negotiate what can and can’t be eaten in the playroom.  Everyone agrees to a solution.