Baby beanies: The baby toy of all time?

Baby beanies haven’t been around that much since they were “born” only in 1994 when Ty Warner introduced the first baby beanies in the market. Not many people know that a baby beanie or more officially known as beanie baby were first made by him. He made the baby beanie to be more lifelike by giving it more air. In other words, there was less stuffing inside each baby beanie. The usual baby toys were stuffed to the hilt and they were stiff. While Ty’s beanie baby was half filled with stuffing and half filled with beans. Hence the name beanie baby. Other competitors sneered and said that his toys would not last long. But exactly the opposite is what happened!
Now, the “original nine” as they are officially referred to are the first nine baby beanies Ty Warner made.  These are the Spot the dog, Squealer the pig, Patti the platypus, Cubbie the bear, Chocolate the moose, Pinchers the lobster, Splash the killer whale, Legs the frog and Flash the dolphin. Collectors have dubbed them as such since these where the first baby beanies available that were selling at less than $5.00 each. Each baby beanie comes with a short poem to introduce it to the toddler. This was written on a red heart-shaped tag that is attached by the animal’s ear.
Not much is known how many baby beanies are totally in existence since there are lines developed that create a family of baby beanies. The most famous is the teddy-bear baby beanie that was created. The basic pattern was just re-used and different colors were utilized to create a family. Different names were given to each teddy bear in keeping with the tradition of having a name. Some teddy bear baby beanies are usually used for commemmorative uses such as in the Fourth of July or there is a Diana, the Princess of Wales have been made as a commemmorative collector’s item.
However, the official baby beanies were mostly animal shapes such as cats and pigs, dogs and hippopotamuses. These are usually brightly colored and stylized to make them pleasing in the eye. The official baby beanie comes with his or her own name. It has its own date of birth. And most important of all, a short poem that describes its personality.
The baby beanie crazed happened in the late 1996 when a frenzied collection of baby beanies started. This prompted Ty Warner to retire some of the baby beanies to  hype up even more the sales and marketing side of his products. There were people who bought wholesale in anticipation of the possible future value of a single baby beanie. However, as with other fads that easily rise and can be easily forgotten, the baby beanie craze was just another fad that quickly fizzled. Or what the expectation of those “investors” did not materialize at all.
Inspite of what happened, baby beanies are here to stay since babies usually prefer soft  toys that they can easily hug and bite and hold easily in their hand.  Baby beanies need not be in the same family of baby beanies to be appreciated. A colllection of baby beanies show the kind of personality the baby has  or it speaks the kind of personality the giver has.

The best baby gift ever is just a click away!

Tired of searching for that perfect baby gift for someone special? Fear no more! Here is the rundown on where and how to have the most perfect baby gift of all time. As I have searched the world wide web for the best sites that would answer my need, here are the more user-friendly sites that I find to give the best baby gift ideas around.
As with Linus in Peanuts, a baby blanket is a perfect baby shower gift to give that is full of love and thoughtfulness. Having it personalized is even nicer. For those with more formal tastes and preferences, monogrammed baby linen would give that sense of tradition. While those with eclectic tastes and full of adventurous spirit, baby shower gift baskets, wall art for the nursery room, personalized baby gift items are just some of the baby gift ideas that you could give. Each baby gift suggestion can be found in www.best-baby-gift-guide.com where they give a fine description to each item.
Baby gift baskets come in all shapes and sizes and they speak of your thoughtfulness for putting it all together. Baby gift baskets are so unique because you can personalize it, make it blue or a pink basket depending on the gender of the baby, you can make a gourmet basket, or a food baby basket or even a baby bath gift basket. There are a lot of ideas you can think of to make it a unique baby gift.
Another good site that you can visit is www.babyshowers.info where they list all the possible things and other necessary equipment that the baby might possibly need. This site narrows down your choices since it would constrain you to search for items that are within your budget for those budget conscious spenders. Each item is under a heading such as clothing, nursery, bedding, meal time, play time, keepsake, jewelry and other items. If you have the funds, why not start the baby  in a starter savings account? The receiving parents would surely appreciate this baby gift that would start their baby in his or her million dollar goal at 12 years old!
A click at www.enactwi.org for those who are into the environment or into organic stuff suggest some baby gift ideas you can give as they are easy to make since the materials used are very accessible in stores and groceries.
Visit www.kiddiegiftidea.com to find an extensive choice of baby gift stuff that you can never go wrong with. Its product index extends to more than two pages to view all of its offering so there are a lot of items to choose from.
Baby gifts are the best when the gift-giver poured love and attention to give that very special baby gift. It is not that difficult to look and search for baby gifts as some would think. It is just a matter of creativity and time to think what the baby might need or use in the future. There are other web sites and web links that you can visit and find other good ideas for that perfect baby gift to give away. There are also web blogs of parents that provide not only gift ideas but other concerns regarding on how to take care of your baby better.

One Baby Bash Coming Up!!!!

Birthdays are one of the most important events in our lives. This day signifies our arrival in the world and the celebration of it is a commemmoration of that first time we’ve ever came into the world. Most especially for our precious baby.
Here are some tips to get that baby bash on the roll and be the talk of the baby land for a week or so. One, preparation of the baby bash is extremely important! Create a theme that you would like to follow. Would you like your baby bash to be a sci-fi adventure? Or would you want your baby bash to be a costume party? Or rent even an amusement park complete with the merry-go-round and a clown or two. Whatever you decide, the baby bash needs to be well-thought of to keep it organized as well as the safety of the guests can be assured.
The baby bash depends on the age of the baby. For one year olds, clowns would do so that he or she can facilitate the party since the most important guests would be the little children. Magic shows and puppetry would be sufficient to keep the children interested and satisfied. While for two years old and older, since by this time, they are already mobile and have learned to walk, a costume party or an amusement park theme would be the solution to keep the kids happy.  Balloons to keep them preoccupied, cotton candy to keep them busy and lots and lots of kiddie food.
Second, sending out the invites. It seems that babies are conversational pieces. Thus, your network of friends increase since you meet other moms and dads who have babies near your baby’s age group. They can become your buddies, swapping babysitting time when you need to unwind and relax. Their kids are your guests in the baby bash and not the parents. Thus, the baby bash must be geared towards the kid’s enjoyment.
Third, preparation of the food. Since this is a kiddie party, finger foods should comprise most of your menu. Kids easily tire of food and so small portions must be served at them. If possible, separate the food of the parents with the kids, if the parents were invited.
Sometimes, a baby bash becomes an adult get-together when there are no other babies that could be invited.
Whatever you have decided what the baby bash must be like, keep in mind that the baby’s comfort is more important. Sometimes, there are babies who are afraid of clowns. You must have an alternative activity in mind in case this happens.
Fourth, post baby bash activities. After all the food, the favors and trimmings gone, it is time to clean up. The most convenient way to finish all the food left is to ask mothers to take home a portion of the food served. This not only minimizes food spoilage, it would also keep the kids occupied during the drive home, in case they start asking for food. Because there are kids who play all throughout the party and do not pay attention to the food. But once they have settled down, usually during the ride home, then they start to feel hunger pangs. Thus, you would be helping parents keep the kids behaved during the ride home.
Then baby bash need not be a strenuous and nerve-racking activity that moms would rather not plan for. It could also be enjoyable for the parents as well.

Mother’s Role in Combating Diseases of Children

The especial province of the mother is the prevention of disease, not its cure. When disease attacks the child, the mother has then a part to perform, which it is especially important during the epochs of infancy and childhood should be done well. I refer to those duties which constitute the maternal part of the management of disease.
Medical treatment, for its successful issue, is greatly dependent upon a careful, pains-taking, and judicious maternal superintendence. No medical treatment can avail at any time, if directions be only partially carried out, or be negligently attended to; and will most assuredly fail altogether, if counteracted by the erroneous prejudices of ignorant attendants. But to the affections of infancy and childhood, this remark applies with great force; since, at this period, disease is generally so sudden in its assaults, and rapid in its progress, that unless the measures prescribed are rigidly and promptly administered, their exhibition is soon rendered altogether fruitless.
The amount of suffering, too, may be greatly lessened by the thoughtful and discerning attentions of the mother. The wants and necessities of the young child must be anticipated; the fretfulness produced by disease, soothed by kind and affectionate persuasion; and the possibility of the sick and sensitive child being exposed to harsh and ungentle conduct, carefully provided against.
Again, not only is a firm and strict compliance with medical directions in the administration of remedies, of regimen, and general measures, necessary, but an unbiased, faithful, and full report of symptoms to the physician, when he visits his little patient, is of the first importance. An ignorant servant or nurse, unless great caution be exercised by the medical attendant, may, by an unintentional but erroneous report of symptoms, produce a very wrong impression upon his mind, as to the actual state of the disease. His judgment may, as a consequence, be biased in a wrong direction, and the result prove seriously injurious to the welldoing of the patient. The medical man cannot sit hour after hour watching symptoms; hence the great importance of their being faithfully reported. This can alone be done by the mother, or some person equally competent.
There are other weighty considerations which might be adduced here, proving how much depends upon efficient maternal management in the time of sickness; but they will be severally dwelt upon, when the diseases with which they are more particularly connected are spoken of.

Crying Baby – Reasons

Introduction:
Crying is a normal event in the lives of all babies.When a baby comes out of the woomb the first thing to do is crying.By the first cry he will take some air in to the lungs for the first time in their life.After delivery if the baby doesnot cry then it should be initiated by slightly pinching or gently strocking the feet.From this it is clear that the healthy baby should cry and it is a normal physiological event ,still some times it can upset the mother or family members.
We all know that a baby can’t tell his needs or troubles in words. The only way for him  to communicate with others is by crying.Babies show some other signs like feet kicking,hand waving and head turning ect.But the best way to take the attention of others is by crying.
Excessive crying may not have a firm definition because the crying habit changes from baby to baby and some babies can be calmed easily but some are difficult to sooth.If crying is distressing for the mother and home nurse it can be called excessive.Many a times baby become quiet by giving breast milk or by carrying with a gentle rocking.Sudden onset of excessive crying means baby is distressed and needs attention.The causes of crying extends from simple reasons to life threatening conditions.Hence crying of a baby should not be ignored.
Most of the time it is difficult to find the cause of the cry .Common causes are discussed here for awareness.
Common reasons for crying:
1. Hunger:
A hungry baby will cry till he gets  the milk. Here the old saying comes true’crying baby gets the milk’.
2. Wetting:
Urination and defecation causes some discomfort and results in crying till his parts are cleaned and made dry .
3. Company:
Majority of the kids need somebody near.  If they feel lonely they cry.When their favourite doll slips away from the grip they cry for help.
4. Tired:
When the baby is tired after a journey and unable to sleep just cry simply.They feel tired in uncomfortable sourroundings and due to unhealthy climate.
5. Heat & cold:
If they feel too hot or too cold they become restless and cry. Child is comfortable in a room with good ventilation.
6. Tight cloathing:
Tight cloaths especially during warm climate is intolerable for kids.Tight elastic of the the dress can also produce  soreness in the hip region.
7. Dark room:
When the baby wakes up from sleep he needs some dim light.If there is darkness he will disturb the sleep of parents by
crying.Ofcourse he will be irritated by strong light resulting in cry.
8. Mosquito:
Yes,these creatures disturb the sleep by their blood sucking and make the baby to cry.
9. Nasal blocking:
Child may not be able to sleep when there is a cold and go on crying till the passage is open.
10.Phlegm in throat:
This also causes difficult breathing resulting in cry.Often a typical sound can be heard with each breath.
11.General aching:
Generalised body ache with restlessness is seen in flu and prodromal stages of some infectious diseases can result in
continuous cry.
12.Habitual cry:
Some babies cry without any real cause ending the parents in agony.Many a times doctor is called for help.
13.Nappy rash:
If a tight and wet nappy is kept for a long time results in this conditon. Rash can also be due to some allergic reaction to the elastic material of the nappy.When the rash appears it causes soreness and baby become sleepless and cry. All other skin lesions like eczema,ecthyma ,candidiasis ect also causes same problems.
14.Earache:
Ear infection is common in wet climate.The infection may spread from the throat.Ear infection can result in rupture of ear drum causing discharge of pus.Eareache usually becomes worse at night when lying down.Child will become restless with cry and may not allow you to touch the ear.Some children with earache rub the affected ear frequently.
15.Colic:
When the baby cry continuously most of us diagnose it as colic.This roblem is still a topic for debate because exact cause for colic is not known and diagnosis is also difficult to confirm.Colic may be associated with rumbling and distention of abdomen.Child often feels better when lying on abdomen.Some children may not allow you to touch the abdomen. If the child cries continuously doctors help is needed.
16.Infections:
All infections causes some kind of pain or irritation resulting in cry.Infection may be anywhere in the body.Usually it is associated with fever, redness and swelling.
17.Reactions to certain food:
It is said that one man’s food is another man’s poison. Some food articles can produce some allergic reactions.Allergy  is manifested in the form of redness, breathlessness,gastric symptons and continuous cry.
18.Hard stools:
Constipated babies with hard stools may cry when they get the urge for stool.Some children hesitate to pass stool because of pain .
19.Gastro esophagial reflex:
Here baby cries with spilling of food after feeding.If this continues it may be due to gastroesophageal reflex.This is due to failure of the lower part of esophagus to close after food causing regurgitation from the stomach.It is difficult to diagnose this condition and can be confirmed by giving antireflex medicines.
20.Dentition:
During dentition child becomes restless with crying.Often associated with gastric troubles and diarrhoea.
Some rare reasons
1. Bowel obstruction:
Bowel obstruction is associated with severe pain and vomiting.Abdomen is distended with rumbling sound.Baby is constipated with absence of flatus.
2. Septicemia:
Invasion of pathogenic micro organisms in to the blood is called septicemia.Fever is associated with this condition.
3. Torsion of testes in male kids:
When a male baby cries continuously his scrotum should be examined.Torsion of the testes produce severe pain which will be worse by touching the affected testes.When the testes is pressed upwards pain is releived.If this is not treated properly it can damage the affected  testes due to lack of blood supply.
4. Meningitis:
Initially there may not be fever,hence crying baby with alternate vacant stare and irritability should not be ignored.Fontanel is bulging. Neck rigidity and seizures may appear later.
5. Retention of urine:
Children with retention of urine will have agonising pain making them   restless.
6. Major injuries:
Major injury to any parts of the body causes pain.Occasionally children will fall while arrying and results in head injury.Head injury is associated with reflex vomiting and convulsions.

Apperance of Milk-Teeth

The first set of teeth, or milk-teeth as they are called, are twenty in number; they usually appear in pairs, and those of the lower jaw generally precede the corresponding ones of the upper. The first of the milk-teeth is generally cut about the sixth or seventh month, and the last of the set at various periods from the twentieth to the thirtieth months. Thus the whole period occupied by the first dentition may be estimated at from a year and a half to two years. The process varies, however, in different individuals, both as to its whole duration, and as to the periods and order in which the teeth make their appearance. It is unnecessary, however, to add more upon this point.
Their developement is a natural process. It is too frequently, however, rendered a painful and difficult one, by errors in the management of the regimen and health of the infant, previously to the coming of the teeth, and during the process itself.
Thus, chiefly in consequence of injudicious management, it is made the most critical period of childhood. Not that I believe the extent of mortality fairly traceable to it, is by any means so great as has been stated; for it is rated as high as one sixth of all the children who undergo it. Still, no one doubts that first dentition is frequently a period of great danger to the infant. It therefore becomes a very important question to an anxious and affectionate mother, how the dangers and difficulties of teething can in any degree be diminished, or, if possible, altogether prevented. A few hints upon this subject, then, may be useful. I shall consider, first, the management of the infant, when teething is accomplished without difficulty; and, secondly, the management of the infant when it is attended with difficulty.
Management of the infant when teething is without difficulty. ————————————————————
In the child of a healthy constitution, which has been properly, that is, naturally, fed, upon the milk of its mother alone, the symptoms attending teething will be of the mildest kind, and the management of the infant most simple and easy.
Symptoms:- The symptoms of natural dentition (which this may be fairly called) are, an increased flow of saliva, with swelling and heat of the gums, and occasionally flushing of the cheeks. The child frequently thrusts its fingers, or any thing within its grasp, into its mouth. Its thirst is increased, and it takes the breast more frequently, though, from the tender state of the gums, for shorter periods than usual. It is fretful and restless; and sudden fits of crying and occasional starting from sleep, with a slight tendency to vomiting, and even looseness of the bowels, are not uncommon. Many of these symptoms often precede the appearance of the tooth by several weeks, and indicate that what is called “breeding the teeth” is going on. In such cases, the symptoms disappear in a few days, to recur again when the tooth approaches the surface of the gum.
Treatment:- The management of the infant in this case is very simple, and seldom calls for the interference of the medical attendant. The child ought to be much in the open air, and well exercised: the bowels should be kept freely open with castor oil; and be always gently relaxed at this time. Cold sponging employed daily, and the surface of the body rubbed dry with as rough a flannel as the delicate skin of the child will bear; friction being very useful. The breast should be given often, but not for long at a time; the thirst will thus be allayed, the gums kept moist and relaxed, and their irritation soothed, without the stomach being overloaded. The mother must also carefully attend, at this time, to her own health and diet, and avoid all stimulant food or drinks.
From the moment dentition begins, pressure on the gums will be found to be agreeable to the child, by numbing the sensibility and dulling the pain. For this purpose coral is usually employed, or a piece of orris-root, or scraped liquorice root; a flat ivory ring, however, is far safer and better, for there is no danger of its being thrust into the eyes or nose. Gentle friction of the gums, also, by the finger of the nurse, is pleasing to the infant; and, as it seems to have some effect in allaying irritation, may be frequently resorted to. In France, it is very much the practice to dip the liquorice-root, and other substances, into honey, or powdered sugar-candy; and in Germany, a small bag, containing a mixture of sugar and spices, is given to the infant to suck, whenever it is fretful and uneasy during teething. The constant use, however, of sweet and stimulating ingredients must do injury to the stomach, and renders their employment very objectionable.

ABC Of Breastfeeding

From the first moment the infant is applied to the breast, it must be nursed upon a certain plan. This is necessary to the well-doing of the child, and will contribute essentially to preserve the health of the parent, who will thus be rendered a good nurse, and her duty at the same time will become a pleasure.
This implies, however, a careful attention on the part of the mother to her own health; for that of her child is essentially dependent upon it. Healthy, nourishing, and digestible milk can be procured only from a healthy parent; and it is against common sense to expect that, if a mother impairs her health and digestion by improper diet, neglect of exercise, and impure air, she can, nevertheless, provide as wholesome and uncontaminated a fluid for her child, as if she were diligently attentive to these important points. Every instance of indisposition in the nurse is liable to affect the infant.
And this leads me to observe, that it is a common mistake to suppose that, because a woman is nursing, she ought therefore to live very fully, and to add an allowance of wine, porter, or other fermented liquor, to her usual diet. The only result of this plan is, to cause an unnatural degree of fulness in the system, which places the nurse on the brink of disease, and which of itself frequently puts a stop to the secretion of the milk, instead of increasing it. The right plan of proceeding is plain enough; only let attention be paid to the ordinary laws of health, and the mother, if she have a sound constitution, will make a better nurse than by any foolish deviation founded on ignorance and caprice.
The following case proves the correctness of this statement:
A young lady, confined with her first child, left the lying-in room at the expiration of the third week, a good nurse, and in perfect health. She had had some slight trouble with her nipples, but this was soon overcome.
The porter system was now commenced, and from a pint to a pint and a half of this beverage was taken in the four and twenty hours. This was resorted to, not because there was any deficiency in the supply of milk, for it was ample, and the infant thriving upon it; but because, having become a nurse, she was told that it was usual and necessary, and that without it her milk and strength would ere long fail.
After this plan had been followed for a few days, the mother became drowsy and disposed to sleep in the daytime; and headach, thirst, a hot skin, in fact, fever supervened; the milk diminished in quantity, and, for the first time, the stomach and bowels of the infant became disordered. The porter was ordered to be left off; remedial measures were prescribed; and all symptoms, both in parent and child, were after a while removed, and health restored.
Having been accustomed, prior to becoming a mother, to take a glass or two of wine, and occasionally a tumbler of table beer, she was advised to follow precisely her former dietetic plan, but with the addition of half a pint of barley-milk morning and night. Both parent and child continued in excellent health during the remaining period of suckling, and the latter did not taste artificial food until the ninth month, the parent’s milk being all-sufficient for its wants.
No one can doubt that the porter was in this case the source of the mischief. The patient had gone into the lying-in-room in full health, had had a good time, and came out from her chamber (comparatively) as strong as she entered it. Her constitution had not been previously worn down by repeated child-bearing and nursing, she had an ample supply of milk, and was fully capable, therefore, of performing the duties which now devolved upon her, without resorting to any unusual stimulant or support. Her previous habits were totally at variance with the plan which was adopted; her system became too full, disease was produced, and the result experienced was nothing more than what might be expected.
The plan to be followed for the first six months. Until the breast- milk is fully established, which may not be until the second or third day subsequent to delivery (almost invariably so in a first confinement), the infant must be fed upon a little thin gruel, or upon one third water and two thirds milk, sweetened with loaf sugar.
After this time it must obtain its nourishment from the breast alone, and for a week or ten days the appetite of the infant must be the mother’s guide, as to the frequency in offering the breast. The stomach at birth is feeble, and as yet unaccustomed to food; its wants, therefore, are easily satisfied, but they are frequently renewed. An interval, however, sufficient for digesting the little swallowed, is obtained before the appetite again revives, and a fresh supply is demanded.
At the expiration of a week or so it is essentially necessary, and with some children this may be done with safety from the first day of suckling, to nurse the infant at regular intervals of three or four hours, day and night. This allows sufficient time for each meal to be digested, and tends to keep the bowels of the child in order. Such regularity, moreover, will do much to obviate fretfulness, and that constant cry, which seems as if it could be allayed only by constantly putting the child to the breast. A young mother very frequently runs into a serious error in this particular, considering every expression of uneasiness as an indication of appetite, and whenever the infant cries offering it the breast, although ten minutes may not have elapsed since its last meal. This is an injurious and even dangerous practice, for, by overloading the stomach, the food remains undigested, the child’s bowels are always out of order, it soon becomes restless and feverish, and is, perhaps, eventually lost; when, by simply attending to the above rules of nursing, the infant might have become healthy and vigorous.
For the same reason, the infant that sleeps with its parent must not be allowed to have the nipple remaining in its mouth all night. If nursed as suggested, it will be found to awaken, as the hour for its meal approaches, with great regularity. In reference to night-nursing, I would suggest suckling the babe as late as ten o’clock p. m., and not putting it to the breast again until five o’clock the next morning. Many mothers have adopted this hint, with great advantage to their own health, and without the slightest detriment to that of the child. With the latter it soon becomes a habit; to induce it, however, it must be taught early.
The foregoing plan, and without variation, must be pursued to the sixth month.
After the sixth month to the time of weaning, if the parent has a large supply of good and nourishing milk, and her child is healthy and evidently flourishing upon it, no change in its diet ought to be made. If otherwise, however, (and this will but too frequently be the case, even before the sixth month) the child may be fed twice in the course of the day, and that kind of food chosen which, after a little trial, is found to agree best.

Kids Say the Darndest Things about gay Marriage

The other day my four-and-a-half-year-old daughter and I were walking down the street after leaving our favorite frozen yogurt place. We’d been celebrating her last day of preschool and were headed back to our car so that we could meet up with another kid from her preschool at a nearby park for a “playdate.” (Try as I might to resist this terminology, there is no better alternative for describing the kind of pre-arranged, adult-supervised activities that we have with our children, who are no longer allowed to roam the neighborhood, visiting the houses of the kids they want to play with, as I did as a child in the 1970s.)

On this busy downtown street, a young man with a clipboard approached us and, after hesitating for a moment, (we were already late–as usual– for our playdate), I stopped and listened to his request. Do you have a minute to help support gay marriage?, which of course, still not being over the sense of rage and shock I felt by the failing of California’s Proposition 8, I did. I must admit that I often don’t have that “minute” the person is asking for. I am even guilty of looking more hurried than I actually am just to avoid having my attention constantly redirected by all the needs of the world. In this case, I tried to offer my signature, but he wanted money, and I had none at that moment. So he directed me to the office where the campaign was headquartered, and my daughter and I continued on our way.

“What did he want mom?” my daughter asked earnestly.

“Oh, he’s trying to raise money for his cause,” I replied, somewhat aware of the fact that people on that busy street might be listening to this conversation.

“What’s his cause mom?” she pressed on. My daughter is the sort who loves to ask questions, and she’s never ever satisfied with your vague answers. Why should she be? I always ask myself. But there have been many moments when I am not quite prepared out in public for my answers about how, say, a woman and a man actually make a baby, or why those angry Iranian people on the cover of The New York Times have set all the cars on fire. I have to take a moment and think about how I’m going to cover a complex topic, because I realize that the first time I explain something or introduce a concept is a crucial moment.

At least I think it is.

“Well,” I started in as she eagerly awaited my explanation, “you know how the kids next door have two dads, and some of your friends have two moms? Well, some of them want to be married, just like dad and I are. And the law says that they can’t get married. Even though some of them have gotten married, because the law doesn’t really make sense…”

Then I stopped myself. There are some abstract concepts that I don’t have a problem explaining, but the “law” isn’t once of them. She understands what it means when I say we have to wear our seatbelts or drive the speed limit or the police will give us ticket. And when she and I once got pulled over for driving 35 in a 25 zone (!) it illustrated the concept a little better. But in the case of speeding or not wearing a seatbelt, we’re talking about the potential of not harming someone, right?

How do you make a case for the terrible things that might happen if two women get married? You simply don’t, because there aren’t any.

Because I have always tried to normalize any offbeat sexuality/parntership choices when I talk about things with her, we haven’t really talked about the fact that there are people in the world who think gay people are evil and demented and that they should be treated like criminals. So, we’ve just been breezing along talking about so and so’s two dads without any discussion about what that means (you know, just doing my part, as the bumper sticker says, to piss off the religious right, I suppose). I just didn’t want to plant judgments in her head, or give her any reason to start looking at people like they aren’t “normal.” Someday we’ll have the “contiuum of sexuality” conversation…perhaps when it makes more sense.

So how do I even begin to explain to her that “the law” says Janie’s parents, the ones who have selflessly given birth to and cared for her since she was conceived, aren’t allowed to get married?

How could I tell her about the article I’d read earlier that day, about the nonprofit hospital in central California that refused to allow a lesbian woman to see her partner in the emergency room (the Associated Press.), a woman who was rushed to the hospital after collapsing during a pro-gay-marriage march? I didn’t. But the news was still hanging there in my view.

Instead I did my best to state the fact that in California gay couples aren’t “legally allowed” to marry. I tried to say it matter of factly, though I’m sure she realized how I felt about it. And what followed was one of those moments that will occupy a particularly memorable place in my history as a mom, a moment that, as writer Ayelet Waldman writes, I “should be able to melt with emotion” over. So I am doing that here, now.

My preschooler said, “I think people should get to choose whoe they want to marry. It should be their choice, not somebody elses.” I couldn’t have said it better.

And I couldn’t have gushed more. By this time we were driving to the park, she was strapped into her booster seat, and I turned around and said, “I like the way you think.” What I wanted to say was, “I am so proud of how smart you are I can’t even stand it…”

If she can figure out something so simple, what is everybody else’s problem?

Neat Freaks Could Make Better Readers

As one of good my friends says repeatedly, and this is one of the reasons I keep him as a good friend, “In the neat community we don’t appreciate the term ‘neat freak.’ We find it offensive.” Both my friend and I love being part of this community. So, as a person who prefers to have a little order in my life, you can imagine my glee when I received a link to this Slate.com article in my inbox yesterday: Messy house, Messy Mind.

Warning: For those of you who hate reading recent studies that make grand sweeping conclusions that might implicate your fine self and cause you to argue with their dubious results, the rest of this post might irritate you. You might even want to stop reading now. I personally find those kinds of articles great food for thought, and don’t have a problem trying things on for size and then taking them off and letting them land on the floor.

When I first saw this article about the connection between reading and an orderly home, I pictured myself printing it out and posting it on my refrigerator for all—that includes husband, relatives, and all those on the neat-challenged spectrum who enter my house—to read. Though the content was slightly inconclusive, the headline was a delicious finger pointer that a clean person like me couldn’t resist. Sort of an “I told you so!,” but expertly written by someone else so that I didn’t have to look like a bully with a neat agenda.

The article, at least I thought this as I started to read it, vaguely covers one of the subjects you will hear my husband and raising our voices over the most: keeping things neat and orderly in our house. Before I risk coming off as one of those anal types, I should say that I just need a little neat and clean in my life—ok, a lot—for my mental health. I have a high degree of internal chaos, and so I require a fair amount of external order to combat it. And, to make matters more complicated, I married, just as my own mother did, someone who is on the very other end of that spectrum I mentioned. In other words, he is not so interested in being part of the neat community. In fact, not at all.

It’s true that you might also be able to add this Slate article to that collection of wacky fear-inducing parenting articles I tend to be forever on the receiving list of (got it from another mom in my white, well-educated, progressive preschool sphere). But, of course, I had to read it. I had to find out there is, it appears, a connection between good reading skills and an orderly home, that is between high-reading moms and their orderly or not so orderly homes. I needed more NF people on my side.

According to this writer’s research, her’s is an article about the book Order in the House! Associations among Household Chaos, the Home Literacy Environment, Maternal Reading Ability, and Children’s Early Reading (so yes, I am two times removed here) by several writers from Columbia’s Teachers College, there is a new set of research about how we as parents set the tone for our kids functionality in the world (before you say duh, see the rest of the article). It’s not about how much we read to them, it’s how much we have our shite together. More to feel guilty about, indeed. Unless you are one of those perfect parents, which you might be.

Here’s the quick academic view of the book’s findings:

Results suggest that the degree of household order is significantly and positively associated with expressive vocabulary, reading tests, and phonological awareness skills of children whose mothers are above-average readers. By contrast, the number of books a child owns or brings home and how often a child amuses herself alone with books are significantly associated with the expressive vocabulary, reading tests, and phonological awareness skills of children whose mothers are average-ability readers. These results suggest the potential for new approaches to encouraging literacy development in the home beyond those that depend solely on parental literacy.

What does this mean? According to my findings, this means, and it took me a while to get this from the article (written about the book), that how much order there is in the house of the above-average readers, determines how well that child might read. The funny thing is, as much as I wanted this to be an incentive, you know, “we have to keep the house clean because it means our child will read better,” it’s not really.

What’s being said is that the more there is an orderly routine in the house,this means consistent rules, bedtimes, boundaries, etc., the better the children of those households fare, that is in the area of literacy. This is interesting, at least in part to me, because for awhile now I’ve had that other idea in my head. The idea that all I had to do was surround my child with books and they would love reading. I think I got it from Malcolm Gladwell or possibly even from another one of those fascinating renegade writers who like to prove that everything you think is right is actually wrong.

Here’s my favorite part about why orderliness is good for reading. It has to do with something called “executive functioning,” something that I, with or without my neatness, could probably stand to have a little more of.

“Household order taps a more fundamental characteristic of parents or households, such as maternal industriousness, planning ability, or conscientiousness, that gives rise to both orderliness and better reading skills in children. This is the idea of executive functioning, which captures planning and problem-solving abilities.”

So what it boils down to is, if you want to encourage sharper minds, you have to value order and routine in the house. Not so bad, right? I can still use this against my husband when he leaves all the cooking utensils lying uncleaned around the kitchen, right? Or when he throws his clothes into a mysterious pile on the floor—are they clean, are they dirty, are they meant to go to the Salvation Army?

Chances are since her parents are both avid readers and writers, I don’t have to worry about my daughter being a good reader. And, realistically, I don’t. She already has more books than we can shelve. In fact, when I draw a mental picture of her room, I realize that a lot of her books, overflow from the shleves and are in tall piles on the floor. That might not be so good, according to this research. Unless the piles are neat, I suppose.

But, I do love it when there is scientific evidence to support something that I complain about daily. So, I’m still going to go ahead and post on the article on my refrigerator. You never know, someone might read it. And I could come home to a cleaner house one day.

Though, I doubt it.

One final note: Last night, as I, for the first time ever in her four years of life, let my daughter fall asleep next to me watching American Idol, way after her usual bedtime, because I was tired from long trip and wanting just to sit in front of the TV and watch people sing and be judged, I started to feel a little trickle of guilt knowing that we were creating inconsistency for the sole sake of mom’s exhaustion, but I stopped myself. Perhaps those 15 minutes of American Idol ruined her, but we hadn’t been in the house for days, and it was so clean and neat and, well, my parents let me stay up past my bedtime watching TV once in awhile and I turned out OK. Sort of.

Not Being The Parent People Want You To Be

When it comes to parenting, everyone has an uninvited opinion they’d like to share with you. Your job is to let them say whatever they’re going to say and to not hit them after they say it. It has been my experience that even those who are not parents inevitably fall into the pontificating subset. From the moment you leave the hospital, the birthing room, or the living room in which you delivered, you have signed yourself on to more scrutiny, analysis, vitriol, and laborious self-restraint than you could ever have imagined.

I’ll never forget eating at a Bay Area restaurant—I was eight months pregnant—and a 20-something year-old woman sitting at a table a few feet away from mine was expressing herself rather loudly with her dinner date. “It’s so selfish to have your own baby when there are so many needier ones out there waiting to be adopted!” So, now, after I’d waited until I was nearly 40 to make the decision to procreate, I was selfish. And another time, at a dinner party, I mentioned to someone that one baby was probably going to be enough for us. I subsequently received a lecture about how self-centered and maladjusted “only children” were. Now, it seemed, I’d probably be raising a selfish child as well.

Sounds about right.

Since I had only planned to do this thing once, my wish was to go through birthing without drugs. But everyone kept telling me that I would change my mind once I got to the hospital and discovered that I had to have a c-section, which I was told, I should, as an “older woman,” also prepare for. Call me selfish, but I just wanted to have my own experience without constantly being told beforehand what it was going to be like, how horrible it might be, etc. It’s weird I guess, but I want to die someday knowing that I experienced the unadulterated sensation of childbirth. I imagined it could be a great reference point when things get tough. I’ll be able to look back on my drugless childbirth and say, “if I did that—I can do anything!” Turns out, waxing is STILL incredible painful.

I did end up doing it without drugs. It wasn’t easy, but I’m glad (and I was lucky enought) that I got to stick to my plan without a lot of complications. I would never suggest that it is the right choice for every woman, by any means. But it did lead me to my bigger realization that childbirth is so f-ing hard because parenting is so f-ing hard. I think the pain of childbirth, and the mental and physical strength it requires, prepares you physically and mentally for the challenges ahead. And you need all the preparation you can get.

You go into parenting with so many aphorisms handed out to you. Everyone has already figured it all out and they can’t wait to tell you what it’s going to be like for you. The best example of that was the Attachment Parenting sales representatives I encountered. After announcing that I was pregnant at work, I curiously got an e-mail from an executive co-worker mom with whom I had never before shared a conversation, or even a glance. She never had the slightest bit of desire to talk to me, until…“Congratulations!!,” she’d written. “Would you like to have lunch sometime this week? We can talk about mom stuff.”

Bewildered by her sudden interest in me, I accepted the offer. We spent an hour picking at our roast turkey sandwiches while she told me all about Dr. Sears and the Attachment School of parenting which, among other laudable contributions, credits itself with producing well-attached, more secure children. It seemed that she has sold me.

Why not?, I thought. I grew up insecure and turned into a neurotic, so why not at least try to produce a well-adjusted child? Wouldn’t that be something I could be proud of doing? My coworker/sales rep spent a good deal of the hour telling me how much happier I would be if I kept my baby on my body in a sling, co-slept with her, never put her down when she was crying, breastfed her until she was four, and gave her my undivided attention 20 hours a day.

She forgot to mention how sleep-deprived and anxious I would be trying give this baby more (so much more) than I was giving myself. She didn’t mention the strain that babies who never leave your sight put on your marriage. I guess you just figure that into the the divorce rate among parents with very young children.

But I took on this parenting “style” earnestly as she did, effectively inviting a school-bus load of more reasons to feel anxious, since really what I was learning was that I had some control over the outcome of my child. I fell prey to the thinking that if I could be that kind of a mother, I could mold the person that I had always wanted to be myself: secure, grounded, well-loved. As writer Judith Warner points out in her book Perfect Madness: Parenting in the Age of Anxiety, women of my generation, who have put some time into re-parenting their inner child, Attachment Parenting seemed like the perfect theory to raise your kid by.

But, after reading so many books about how to take care of my baby, whether to let her “cry it out” or not cry it out, whether to pick her up or not pick her up, watch Baby Einstein videos or not, I had lost my ability to trust my own instincts. So, as so many women do, I ceded to the experts, of which there is an exaustingly endless supply. After all, I’d never done any of this before. So, I decided to take what seemed to be the kinder, gentler approach with my baby. I wanted my baby and I to be synchronized, harmonious. (Ha!)

Needless to say, the parent I imagined I would be is not the one that I have become.

One of the most common maxims you hear as a new parent is, “It goes so fast!” By this, well-meaning people are trying to tell you that you should slow down and enjoy every precious moment of your baby’s existence. In my experience, the first two years of mommyhood went very slowly. Day after exhausting day with my “spirited” toddler (euphemism for very intense, very demanding, very high-energy child), I thought, this is not going fast at all. In fact, I couldn’t wait until the twos were over.

I learned quickly that people who have the calmer more timid child version had NO IDEA what I was experiencing. They were quick to offer solutions that were, well, absolutley ridiculous, actually.

I was looking forward to going out to a restaurant with her without having to chase her down the street as my husband and I took turns eating by ourselves. I was looking forward to starting the day without the meltdown that erupted from getting out of our pajamas, or a day when I wouldn’t be cleaning off the yogurt that had been smeared all over the TV, or pleading with my daughter not to jump on our dog’s arthritic leg or hit the crawling baby who lived next door over the head with a plastic castle.

I didn’t imagine myself reacting so strongly to her outbursts, the fear that would emerge in me prior to one—some of the worst fear I’ve ever encountered. I guess I didn’t imagine I would become such an unpleasant person. I don’t think I was naïve in choosing to become a parent—I knew my life would change. I knew I would grow into someone that I might not recognize. I just didn’t know how much strength it would take stay composed every day. I didn’t know how attached I was to my former non-mom self (that calmer person) and that I would need to set aside some grieving time to deal with that loss.

And, I certainly wasn’t prepared for one of the most difficult aspects of being a parent, which is enduring the wrath of judgment from other parents. Because not only is the advice being doled out constantly, if you’re not doing it the way that parent would do it, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be told, albeit subtly, that you are not doing it right. It no longer becomes about your instinct as a parent who shares some of the genetic traits with your child—temperment, personality, energy levels, ways of interacting with the world—it’s about what they that parent thinks is right or wrong, a conclusion they’ve arrived at based on their own offspring, who may bear no emotional resemblance whatsoever to your child.

It takes a village to raise a child, yes. But you kind of want that village to at least be on the same page, or at least reading the same book. The trouble with contemporary parenting, as I see it, is that everyone is reading a different book, or operating from a different set of instructions that has been handed down them as fact. The clash of parenting styles makes for some pretty uncomfortable conversations and situations. I watched a friendship break up over it, and it seems ludicrous to even have to admit that.

Since that painful experience, I naturally gravitate towards women who have a parenting style more akin to mine. If I sense a hoverer or a micromanager, I take a step backward.

For me, every day is a battle—however oxymoronic this is—with trying to let go. I have to let go of the urge to make everything ok for her, let go of person that I was and the person that I am now, skating between the clutches of parental “control” and the promise of an easier tomorrow, or at least one with less screaming, kicking, and biting. I have to let go of caring what anybody else thinks about me or my child or the way in which I am raising my child.

Probably the best piece of advice I’ve received so far did not come from a parenting expert. It was something I heard singer/poet Leonard Cohen say in an interview. “You have to let go of the master plan you have for yourself—then you’ll discover what the real plan is.” My former self knew I could turn to Leonard when in doubt, and I guess this much is still true.